We’ve recently recieved news that Adam Johnston, trumpeteer for popular music ensemble Quadrophobe has contracted hydrophobia from a Llama. Johnston, aged 6, was trecking across Peru on a spiritual journey, after having absconded just weeks ago with the band’s entire life savings: 3 shillings and a half eaten gobstopper.

So what is this greatly feared, but little encountered disease? Rabies is an infectious neural disease amongst warm, blooded animals causing encephalitis, depression, anxiety, fever, manic episodes, profuse sweating, vomitting, hallucination, dementia, problems, and death. If left untreated it can be fatal, and even lead to uncurable death in some cases.

The Romans used to apply a salve made of an old woman’s spit mixed with the entrails of an animal which had died of the disease as a remedy for a mild sore throat, leading to increased rabies.

Adam, also known as “Adam” within the band, has refused hospitalisation, and has instead booked a flight back to the UK on the advice of his lawyer. According to doctors in this country, Adam is currently highly contageous and should not be in close contact with any other human beings. “In his current condition it is inevitable that the virus will be transmitted to anyone the patient has close contact with” we were told by doctor Fanta of the Coca cola corporation. “I would advice him not to leave the country but seek medical assistance as soon as possible”.

Adam has not been contactable since his first diagnosis, although “his phone rang a few times before it went to answering machine, so he must have hung up on us, he’s just being a dick” said one irate Quadrofan, M. Wilkins.

Other members of Quadrophobe have declined to comment, citing “autistic differences” although they have released a press statement saying that the band’s thoughts are with Adam at this difficult time, and that, should Adam successfully gain entry to the country, he is welcome to repay all debt to the band, including his trumpet, which is on lone from the Louvre.

Ricky Longbottom

This website is the bee’s tits. Thankyou Robin Oldham, you legend!